| hello again.
im back fo my weekly rant about how my life sucks and i swear my parents hate me. im sure you guys are all really annoyed with reading this, but its the only way i can get it out. i guess i just dont understand whats wrong with me, why im not good enough. its like stupid how whenever theres a chance for me to have fun my parents have to take it away from me. i can never do anything. i hate being at home i just want to get outi need to go somewhere, hell even work sounds better than being at home right now. ive seen this drastic change in my parents, and its not for the better. i used toave the cool parents, now everyones like 'dude, why are your parents so up tight about everything?' but they really arent up tight about everything. i mean, they let frannie do whatever she wants whenever she whats with whoever she wants (chase). she never gets yelled at cuz she needs to study for finals or to clean her room or anything. so why do i? what makes me so special that i get to be the one to get yelled at all the time? i honestly dont think im going to make it 2 more years in this house. things have just been getting worse over the past year. it was about this time last year when things started to go down hill. i kinda feel like saving up all the money i can and just drive and keep filling up my gas tank until i run out of money and gas. wherever i end up would be a whole hell of a lot better than here. i seriously feel trappped, eventhough i know how dumb t hat sounds. but i do. im in the wrong family, i obviously dont fit in with these people and they obviously dont like me and much as i dont like them. im just not good enough for them. im into things there not so that makes me a freak i guess. just because i dont et strait A's, dont like metrosexual guys, and dont listen to counrty music im a freak. at least thats what it seems. im a good kid tho. its not like im on like six different drugs and on the verge of killing myself. i dont go out everynight and get drunk and high and sleep with random guys and sell my body. id say im a pretty good kid. i mean i get average grades, im not on drugs, i dont dress or act like a whore, ive had the same boyfriend for about 9 months now who is really probably the coolest person ive ever met. i dont really drink that often, im not obsessed with myself, im involved, i have 2 jobs now, i dont blow my money on nothing, i have good friends. i honestly dont know whats wrong with me. it just sucks that i know that ill never be good enough. and that alone just makes me want to give up everytin gi have and just totally throw my life away. i mean i really dont think its that healthy for like at least 3 times a week a sixteen-year-old girl to be in tears because she doesnt think her parents care about her. i really dont. i just wish thingss could be likethey used to. when i wasnt expected to get strait A's and when i could go out on the weekends without my parents freaking out on me. and i could do stuff after school with my friends. when i was happy at home, i didnt have to worry about being looked down apon like i do now. when i could actually talk to my parents without getting yelled at. im mean its really sad i think when i fel more welcome at ryans house with his family andi feel more at home when im at his house than i do at mine. his parents treat me more like a daughter than my pareants do. i mean, i love them for treating me that way, but i dont think it should be that way. i think my parents should treat me like their child. i just hate this feeling of hatred everytime i walk into a room and my parents tell me something i need to fix. theres alway something about me thats not right. they can awlays come up with something. i hate it when i sit up in my room at night crying because i want out so badly, but i know i cant go anywhere. i have like a ball and chain wrapped around my ankle and i cant go anywhere. i hate the feeling when i gt off the phone with ryan late at night cuz it snaps me back to reality that im still where i am. i go to bed everynight thinking of ways to make my life better and wishing that i could just go somewhere where i am happy and never come back. just start walking and not look back. not once. i know this all sound so stupid, but its true. when im talkign to ryan at night i dont realize where i am because all im thinking about is hima nd how happy i am with him, but when we get off the phone i dont have that feeling anymore because he seems so far away. im not saying im not happy being with him when im not talking to him, its just that i miss him and hes the only one that makes me feel like me. i dont really know how to explain it. all i know is that the only time im happy, i mean really happy, is when im with him. i just hate me life right now. i just dont know what to do. im not looking for simpathy of any sort. i just needed a way to get this out.
thanks to everyone that actually takes time to read this, cuz i know i wouldnt.
i love you so much ryan. |
